Night # 1

There’s sometimes where i want to live

Sometimes where i want to die

Sometimes where things hard enough where i want to cry

Sometimes where the truth is too much so the situation pushes for a lie

Somethings where i feel like I’m dying inside because its too dark

The struggles of my family left an unmeasurable mark

Time was not enough to erase the scar

So i hide it with a smile and a good attitude towards all

I knew others weren’t as strong as me so i stood up and didn’t allow them to fall

Because i went through all this pain so i understood

I gave them my advice and as watched as they stood

I looked into a mirror and wondered who was the man looking back at me

I realized that this weight has made me , changed me and drove me crazy

But what am i going to do if i dont have a choice? im going to Keep fighting until im dust..

Reflection

Here i am sitting on my bed, thinking about how things have played out. I am sitting here putting into perspective the changes i have to make. I’m recollecting on the little things that were said , now i’m feeling the full ripple affect of my mistake. I see the darken road that lays under my feet. I see all the bump holes behind me on the road i have walked on. I see what i have done and i regret it. The wind has the perfect temperature, the perfect direction and the right strength. It took what was mine, right from my hands and i let it go by. From right under my nose it went and i did barely anything to seize the bandit. Now during the day i feel the weight on my shoulders. I feel the tension down to my bones, it feels like they are close to their breaking point. But with my heart i straighten out and i look back to see how far i have come. I look back to see how hard i have worked to get here, i look back and i remind myself that this is worth the punches I’m receiving to my face everyday. I throw myself to my bed with my head looking at the ceiling once there i take a detour in my head. I travel around and i project all those memories of fighting between the lines, of riding and willing to do the dying. I travel back and remember all those special days, those experiences that never leave my mind. Those pictures i took made the pillar that stood up through the faults done. I put then together and saw the montage that came, its what i feared.. It took years to get here so i drop a tear and fill up with pride, i feel the pain that i didn’t recognize when i saw your eyes. I will not let this end..

Mom..

I’m trying to pay back my mom for allowing to be where i am today. i hate to see her tear up because she can’t give us what we ask for or need to live on. Everyone tells me its okay to just wait and that time will fix everything but i don’t believe a word only because I’m sick of sleeping on couches and starving. I’m sick of being scared because my family isn’t secure, I’m sick of spending time angry because i have to sit there and let time wipe the tears off her face. It’s about time i take this in my own hands in some type of way and give it a new shine of day. I won’t take anything that’s handed, i want to work for everything. I want to show her that her sacrifices weren’t in vain, that someone actually cares. I want to show her that there’s more to the world than sadness, struggle and pain. I’m trying to make it somewhere. I want to make sure she doesn’t cry, or has to wake up in the middle of the night trying to squeeze in two jobs that break her back. She deserves more than what she has. My God shes beautiful and my goal to give back what shes given me and more. I’ll make sure it’s enough so she doesn’t have to work another hour because nothing else would matter anymore. I hate seeing her being paranoid about what were going to eat when the times comes. I have just realized the satisfaction that i get of making her feel better, of helping her when she struggles to get up, when i wipe the tears that run the cheeks when she cries. Her pain fires me, its gives me new found inspiration , motivation and appreciation. Her strength carries on to me, I’m ready to take over the responsibility that is to give everything for a family, I’m ready to care of her and fulfill of her wishes and satisfy all of her needings..